i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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