Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
