Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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