mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
