So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
