I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
