It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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