Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
