I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
