Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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