so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
