Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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