My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
