This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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