Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
