new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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