Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize