i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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