Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
