I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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