There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
