For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
