i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize