Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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