oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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