Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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