At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
3 2 1 whiskey
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize