my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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