hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
