when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
