They should really pass out barf bags in church
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
