My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
