weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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