her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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