I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
