You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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