Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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