just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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