I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
They took my balls.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize