It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
