i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
