I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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