Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
