She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
