He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
