WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
