she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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