twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize