I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
