My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
