normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize