My sheets look like a crime scene.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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