And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
