Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
