i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
