Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
