Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
