Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
