I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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