my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
