I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
