just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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